Is your
marriage in trouble? Are you
on the brink of divorce? A divorce you know will
devastate you, followed by a lifetime of regrets and
what-if's? If you want to know how to
save a
marriage - yours - then you're in the right place,
and not a moment too soon.
The first thing you can
do is to push the divorce option right down to the
bottom of the list. Granted, your relationship needs
help. That's why my first recommendation to you is
professional counselling. Find a qualified,
experienced, unbiased mediator who will help you
expand your perspectives and deal with the larger
issues.
Once you are committed to your goal of saving
your marriage, you'll be surprised how issues that
seemed so complicated before begin to untangle and
present you with opportunities that never occurred
to you.
If you're ready for some hard work, here are 4
things you can do to successfully tilt the odds of
saving your marriage in your favor.
#1. Recognize that your aim is to have a
wonderful marriage, not a perfect marriage.
Then answer this - what would make a marriage
wonderful for you? When you bring any two people
together, it's fascinating how genetics, chemistry,
the laws of nature and free will combine to make
this combustible mixture we call marriage. When was
the last time you felt some wonder for this amazing
thing you and your partner have created together?
Yes, even those things that are bothersome and
hurtful? How many of the things you consider
'problems' are really 'inconveniences'? One thing
you can do right now is to make a list of all the
things that are still good in your marriage. Then
make another list of all the problems, and next to
each problem write down exactly what attitudes and
behaviour you have adopted to solve it. Ultimately,
you might decide it's your own desire for perfection
- manifesting itself through a negative attitude -
that's escalating the issue.
#2. If you and your partner can communicate
effectively, you're halfway there.
When one of you talks, the other actively listens.
You acknowledge each others concerns without being
judgmental and presumptuous. Your words and gestures
are direct, open and welcoming of clarifications.
Most of all, you are honest and don't fall into a
pattern of excuses.
#3. Your communication is richly rewarding when
you are open to compromise.
Establish a middle ground where you and your partner
can meet and resolve conflict. Give the same
validation to your partner's needs and feelings as
you give to your own, and accept that there will be
times when you give in, and others when they do.
It's all part of reaching out to the other on this
common ground.
#4. We may be living in an era of fast food, fast
cars and unlimited choices. Some things though,
never change.
When your car breaks down, do you abandon it on
the side of the road? When burglars trash your home,
do you go ahead and buy another house? I'm not
suggesting your marriage is comparable to a car or a
house - I'm saying that you shouldn't do to it what
you wouldn't even do to your car. Saving a marriage
requires greater commitment than almost anything
else you can think of.
That said, sometimes a marriage truly has issues
even a marriage counselor cannot help you solve. If
you have crossed out every other option on the list,
then divorce is the only one that makes sense.
It's not that difficult to discover how to
save a
marriage. The real issue is, are you willing to try?
