Many unhappy spouses have asked me "How can I save
my
marriage when I'm the only one trying?" Certainly
it can be easier when both of you are committed to
making the marriage as strong as it can be. And
nobody can force someone to stay in a relationship
they don't want to be in. But you can change the
dynamics of the relationship even without your
spouse doing anything. You can cause your spouse to
begin to see the marriage in a different way. And
you can save your marriage!
I'm not a
marriage
counselor or therapist and I actually think that
might be an advantage considering traditional
marriage counseling only has about a 20% success
rate in improving marriages! No...I am just a
regular married guy who struggled for years in an
unhappy relationship which nearly ended. Like so
many other men and women, I found myself trying to
save my marriage when it really felt like I was the
only one trying.
The most important discovery I made was that most
people, myself included, end up making some really
common mistakes that make a bad situation even
worse. Things like begging and pleading, making
promises to change, arguing and angry words,
constant phone calls or emails, using the kids as a
weapon, making threats etc. will really hurt your
chances to save your marriage and backfire every
time!
It's ironic that what we actually should be doing
is more like the complete opposite of what we
typically find ourselves doing.
Another discovery that I made was that the more I
tried to appeal to my wife and make her want me, the
more she seemed to pull away. When I finally let go
and no longer acted clingy and desperate, her
attitude began to change.
But ultimately, my decision to implement a
specific action plan was the key to saving my
marriage even though I was initially the only one
trying. I found that by saying and doing specific
things, I got specific reactions and things began to
change.
